I'm not getting the bottom surgery. What I have below is fine with me now. I say now, because it took me almost ten years to accept that what I have below doesn't define me as male or female; it's genitalia. My Spirit is male. Genitalia has nothing to do with this. The body holds the Spirit but the Spirit is eternal, and the body is not, meaning the Spirit survives and the genitals do not.
But what about the visual image of what I see in the mirror? Do I let that dictate how I feel? Should I give that visual image power? I'm not going to give that visual image power anymore, because I'm finally admitting that I don't mind having a vagina. Why does it matter if I feel pleasure there? It doesn't have to be defined as "female" pleasure; pleasure is pleasure, and I don't need to label or define my pleasure based on gender.
I have a masculine, male vagina with an enlarged two inch clit that gets thick and hard and can get sucked-- that can go inside a woman the way a thumb would. I can have sex with my enlarged clt/dick, and when I do it, my vagina gets wet. I'm not going to dance around language when describing my genitalia. I don't need to do that to feel comfortable anymore. I'm not going to call it a Mancave or a Mangina. I was born biologically female and because of that, I have a vagina. So the fuck what?
I used to be ashamed of my vagina and try to hide it or pretend it wasn't there. I used to get so angry when the gynecologist at my annual pap exam would refer to it as a vagina. But what's there to be angry about? Language is a construct anyway; it's not even real. The other day I was reading a quote from OSHO that says: "Man is imprisoned by words. Man's whole problem is language. Below language is the world of animals and beyond language is the world of gods. Between the two is the world of man, the world of language, words-- philosophies, scriptures, theories, and ideologies. The mind consists of words. The word is a brick that the palace of the mind is made of, it is the stuff it is made of. Slowly, slowly, one has to go on dropping the words and one has to enter into silence."
When I enter into silence and stop getting caught up in language, I realized that some men are born with breasts and vaginas. Some choose to get their breasts removed and to get a penis constructed, too. Others choose to not have any surgery.
And some choose to only get their breasts removed and keep the rest of what they were born with, intact. Why should it matter what you choose to do as long as you feel comfortable, confident, and secure doing it? And as long as these decisions are ONLY based on what you want and not based on what other people want.
Sure, 80% of the population probably won't be able to see past the visual image of my vagina if I get naked in front of them, but there are people out there who see past genitalia, to the Spirit, and I'm willing to bet that if you're reading this, you're one of those people-- or you have potential in this area to detach from stereotypical assumptions and reactions relating to visual images, genitalia, and the rigid definitions of "male" and "female". And the boundaries of language in relation to men and women.
The truth is that I enjoy my vagina. It's a source of pleasure for me and I'm finally able to admit this and have fun with it. My vagina is masculine. It's aggressive and powerful. It takes charge and control, and dominates. I'm proud of my vagina. And why does the word "vagina" have to be associated with only women, anyway? Thousands of men are born with vaginas.
I'm on a plane now, and before I wrote this, I was reading A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. In this book, she talks about love and how the only thing that is real is love, that everything else in a situation is fear based and is an illusion. When I love myself and my genitalia, when I love my vagina, fear can't exist.
Other peoples' fears may exist when I say I'm a man with a vagina, and that fear may express itself in anger or confusion or intense debate, but to me, that is all illusion. I believe the only thing that is real is love and the more we love, the more we are in direct communication with The Divine, The Spirit, God-- whatever you like to call The Creator. I want to recognize love everywhere now and in every situation, because love is the only thing that is real. I'm finding love in myself and in my genitals. Marianne Williamson says we overvalue what we perceive with our physical senses and undervalue what we know to be true in our heart. My heart says my body is beautiful. My heart says to accept my body and to love myself and my vagina.