Jody Rose Helfand

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The Masculine Vagina: Moving Beyond Genitalia To Experience Love, Freedom, And Pleasure

Posted by Jody Helfand on March 18, 2011 at 5:28 PM

I'm not getting the bottom surgery.  What I have below is fine with me now. I say now, because it took me almost ten years to accept that what I have below doesn't define me as male or female; it's genitalia. My Spirit is male. Genitalia has nothing to do with this.  The body holds the Spirit but the Spirit is eternal, and the body is not, meaning the Spirit survives and the genitals do not. 

But what about the visual image of what I see in the mirror?  Do I let that dictate how I feel?  Should I give that visual image power?   I'm not going to give that visual image power anymore, because I'm finally admitting that I don't mind having a vagina.  Why does it matter if I feel pleasure there? It doesn't have to be defined as "female" pleasure; pleasure is pleasure, and I don't need to label or define my pleasure based on gender.  

I have a masculine, male vagina with an enlarged two inch clit that gets thick and hard and can get sucked-- that can go inside a woman the way a thumb would. I can have sex with my enlarged clt/dick, and when I do it, my vagina gets wet.  I'm not going to dance around language when describing my genitalia.  I don't need to do that to feel comfortable anymore.  I'm not going to call it a Mancave or a Mangina.  I was born biologically female and because of that, I have a vagina.  So the fuck what?  

I used to be ashamed of my vagina and try to hide it or pretend it wasn't there.  I used to get so angry when the gynecologist at my annual pap exam would refer to it as a vagina.  But what's there to be angry about?  Language is a construct anyway; it's not even real.  The other day I was reading a quote from OSHO that says: "Man is imprisoned by words.  Man's whole problem is language. Below language is the world of animals and beyond language is the world of gods. Between the two is the world of man, the world of language, words-- philosophies, scriptures, theories, and ideologies.  The mind consists of words. The word is a brick that the palace of the mind is made of, it is the stuff it is made of.  Slowly, slowly, one has to go on dropping the words and one has to enter into silence."  

When I enter into silence and stop getting caught up in language, I realized that some men are born with breasts and vaginas.  Some choose to get their breasts removed and to get a penis constructed, too.  Others choose to not have any surgery.
And some choose to only get their breasts removed and keep the rest of what they were born with, intact.  Why should it matter what you choose to do as long as you feel comfortable, confident, and secure doing it?  And as long as these decisions are ONLY based on what you want and not based on what other people want. 

Sure, 80% of the population probably won't be able to see past the visual image of my vagina if I get naked in front of them, but there are people out there who see past genitalia, to the Spirit, and I'm willing to bet that if you're reading this, you're one of those people-- or you have potential in this area to detach from stereotypical assumptions and reactions relating to visual images, genitalia, and the rigid definitions of "male" and "female".   And the boundaries of language in relation to men and women. 

The truth is that I enjoy my vagina.  It's a source of pleasure for me and I'm finally able to admit this and have fun with it.  My vagina is masculine.  It's aggressive and powerful.  It takes charge and control, and dominates.  I'm proud of my vagina.  And why does the word "vagina" have to be associated with only women, anyway?  Thousands of men are born with vaginas.  

I'm on a plane now, and before I wrote this, I was reading A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson.  In this book, she talks about love and how the only thing that is real is love, that everything else in a situation is fear based and is an illusion.  When I love myself and my genitalia, when I love my vagina, fear can't exist.  

Other peoples' fears may exist when I say I'm a man with a vagina, and that fear may express itself in anger or confusion or intense debate, but to me, that is all illusion.  I believe the only thing that is real is love and the more we love, the more we are in direct communication with The Divine, The Spirit, God-- whatever you like to call The Creator.  I want to recognize love everywhere now and in every situation, because love is the only thing that is real.  I'm finding love in myself and in my genitals.  Marianne Williamson says we overvalue what we perceive with our physical senses and undervalue what we know to be true in our heart.  My heart says my body is beautiful.  My heart says to accept my body and to love myself and my vagina.

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17 Comments

Reply Jaymie
6:52 PM on March 18, 2011 
Nothing wrong with that. I think your blog says it all.
Reply Elias
7:26 PM on March 18, 2011 
Jody, thanks so much for sharing your feelings. I love hearing what other transmen have to say about their experience of being Trans. Body acceptance is so vital. My experience in the 3 yrs since I began my transition is that I love my body more than I ever have, and yet I am still experiencing some dysphoria around my genitals. I relate to my former clit as my Penis. That is actually how it feels and looks to me. T has tried its best to make a dick. I fantasize about getting a Metoidioplasty at some point. I have not been with a woman since I split with my wife 2 1/2 yrs ago. I like a straight woman and I have not approached her because of fear of how she would react to my body. I am working on overcoming this, the surgery is not in the near future barring some financial miracle. In the mean time I am doing my best to love and enjoy what I have.
Reply S
3:43 AM on March 22, 2011 
Thank you, with all my heart.
Reply Setu
10:18 PM on April 16, 2011 
Interestingly, I have always felt male. I have never wanted or thought about transitioning. I believe that all people are male and female. My birth biology is wonderful and I accept it completely.

I am often asked by hetro sexual women... "I couldn't have sex with a woman"... I always respond with "Well have you ever fucked a woman who fucks like a man"... then they look at me differently...

It is brash and bold but I certainly am far to old to put up with any type of homophobia, trans phobia or whatever phobia...

My partner loves my mind and how it works... she often rolls her eyes and says "Your just like a man"...

Ummmmm and ...... I say..... well then what does a man and what does a woman think like.

The Osho comment is wisdom +++++ - The Linguistics limit us, so I say bring on Art and Music which is the true Maths of life and lets all just flow along that river of life.

Thanks Jody, your a spunk. XXXX
Reply Shaun
12:26 PM on June 17, 2011 
Wow...I am a 34 FTM who is still waiting to get my top surgery and has struggled with intimacy with both men and women my entire life due to my relationship with my body...You're articulate, thought provoking and make some very valid points. I think your book will help thousands of FTMs out there.

Thank you again for writing ths.
Reply Shaun
12:26 PM on June 17, 2011 
Wow...I am a 34 FTM who is still waiting to get my top surgery and has struggled with intimacy with both men and women my entire life due to my relationship with my body...You're articulate, thought provoking and make some very valid points. I think your book will help thousands of FTMs out there.

Thank you again for writing ths.
Reply Big D
11:45 AM on June 23, 2011 
I just wanted to say, as a bioman very into transmen, your post encapsulated EXACTLY what I was thinking about why I am attracted to transmen. I just want to put it out there that I really LIKE transman genitalia. As in, more than like. I am a gay man and I don't really get turned on by a feminine vagina, but I look at a a transman's masculine vagina, and instantly I get extremely aroused.

Now, any transman should do whatever he likes with his body, whatever makes him feel most comfortable and feel best about himself. A transman buddy of mine just got ball implants. Honestly, I liked it better without, but hey it's his body and it's not my place to say. What I would say though is that I don't simply "tolerate" FTM genitalia, I prize it. I like the giant engorged erogenous tissue and a swollen hairy man-vulva. Sorry if that's too graphic but I think it's important for FTM's to know that there is absolutely no reason at all to feel ashamed or alter their genitalia (if they don't want to), and shouldn't feel pressured to change it. A juicy hairy vulva topped off by a wad of meaty transcock is awesome in its own right!

In case you weren't aware of this, it has quite the fan club.

I love men, bio and transmen, BOTH of their masculine genitalia are a huge turn on to me.

Transguys have the masculine take on the vagina, and it's all man.
Reply Shane McGriever
1:55 PM on June 29, 2011 
"What I have below is fine with me now. I say now, because it took me almost ten years to accept that what I have below doesn't define me as male or female; it's genitalia. My Spirit is male. Genitalia has nothing to do with this. The body holds the Spirit but the Spirit is eternal, and the body is not, meaning the Spirit survives and the genitals do not. "

I love this, and agree with it 100%. I feel the same way; just because I have female genitalia, that doesn't make me any less of a man. I'd rather not deal with potential urinary tract problems and issues down the road that come on with bottom surgery. If it gets to where it's safer and the results are more satisfying, I'd consider it.

But anyway, I love your philosophy here. Great blog, great work. :)
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3:29 PM on July 3, 2011 
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I will also have to apologize for my writting it is the only way I get to communicate with you....
Kisses to everybody, See ya
Reply jack
8:18 PM on July 3, 2011 
I'm touched by your openness and passion and self-acceptance! It takes a very secure and actualized person to learn to accept and love parts of his or her body that he/she previously found un-attractive and even hateful. Mazal Tov!

Jody, count me as one of your (not so secret) admirers!
Reply Mander
3:02 PM on August 1, 2011 
You are heart breakingly inspiring. Thank you so much, for being so strong, for sharing your accomplishment with some of us that feel like it's impossible to maybe one day be happy with ourselves the way we are. It is out there, and as the wonderful Texas politician, Joel Burns put it, "It gets better." :') Thank you.
Reply Jakob Melgaard
6:07 AM on August 7, 2011 
Great! I am now signed up for surgery, I was supposed to have it in February but I got sick so I couldn't. Lately I have had second thoughts.... will I be happier with what I will get after surgery?? Somehow I do not think so. My Spirit is like yours, all male. Never had any female ways in me ever. I am happy with what I have, and for the first time in my life I know what true happiness is.

I really love the way you write, how you say things. I understand completely, even if English is not my native language.

Thank you!

Jakob
Reply Zander-Jaymz
3:35 AM on September 29, 2011 
Tha k you for writing this blog Jody it really helped me understand myself a bit better. I have been transitioning for 3 years now and like a lot of ftm's out there was resigned to the fact that because of being trans I would probably never find a partner but I was wrong. My gf and I have been together for 6 months now and it's been great she looks at my body as a full male dispite not haing my top surgery yet (hopefully very soon waiting to hear from the doctors office for my consult date) she does not touch my chest like it's that of a female Nore does she look at my vagina at that she calls it a penis and treats it thus.

I never really thought about having bottom surgery but maybe a clitoral release with liposuction and implants later on down the road but fir the most part I'm very happy with what I have and so is my gf I see no reason to change that.
Reply Zander-Jaymz
3:38 AM on September 29, 2011 
Tha k you for writing this blog Jody it really helped me understand myself a bit better. I have been transitioning for 3 years now and like a lot of ftm's out there was resigned to the fact that because of being trans I would probably never find a partner but I was wrong. My gf and I have been together for 6 months now and it's been great she looks at my body as a full male dispite not haing my top surgery yet (hopefully very soon waiting to hear from the doctors office for my consult date) she does not touch my chest like it's that of a female Nore does she look at my vagina at that she calls it a penis and treats it thus.

I never really thought about having bottom surgery but maybe a clitoral release with liposuction and implants later on down the road but fir the most part I'm very happy with what I have and so is my gf I see no reason to change that.
Reply Lucas Forbes
12:35 AM on November 3, 2011 
i am transgender FTM & this article has really helped me and given me hope so thank you so very much for that. a lot of the things you descirbed is exactly the way i feel myself. its funny that u said clit/dick because thats exactly what i call mine lol. and i want to be able to use it for sex after its fully grown, because i've only been on testosterone for 8 weeks at this point. its just some comfort that some1 else out there knows exactly how i feel. thanks again.
Reply renee
2:34 AM on January 17, 2012 
thanks
Reply Chrisentiae
2:56 AM on July 25, 2012 
Hi Jody,

I've quoted you at:
http://www.gendervie.com/showthread.php?tid=17&pid=22#pid22

I didn't comment, for I wanted the quotes to be as they are, without comment.

Best wishes,

Chrisentiae

PS the CAPTCHA for this post is"women 1881." !
Reply rachel
9:12 PM on September 19, 2012 
rachel ayland says...
no big comment cept to say i like this and happy to hear that you have cum to love your bits in such a positive way. i also relate to how you experience your bits sexuall and despite having a clit and cunt i often "experience" them like a cock during sex and can "feel" spunk pouring out of me when i cum.....apparantly most my past lives were male so i guess there is good memories there!!

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